Of all the things I didn’t think this would ever happen to me. Always thought heart burns and a splitting headaches were a part of the stressful city life.
Imagine going blank in random interval of times. Not knowing where hours passed. Being scared of your own thoughts, sensory’s heightened up-to 10 times , waking up every morning like your insides were going to explode, and needing a cigarette just to breathe knowing the fact that it’s going to add to your heartache.
Everything happens suddenly, in spurts that’s what my mentor said when I explained this to him. The Ups and downs of life all happen in spurts. And this is phase that shall pass. True I guess. But why me? I cracked up again (4th time this time) in front of my counselor, ‘It’s unfair!’ Why this time when everything seemed to be on track. Few days ago I was dreaming of moving out from my parents place and living on my own in a custom made bachelor pad. Saving every penny for it. It was a dream to setup my own world. But now I feel spiritual learning lessons are on it’s way as I lay cooped up inside my parents room sleeping along with them, finding comfort and solace in the same people I wanted to move away from. Appreciating and counting my blessings for having a support system I can fall back on. Crying freely and letting all the old wounds out.
I am still not able to pin point or tag the emotions pouring out all of a sudden. Maybe it’s my personal life expectations which weren’t met. Maybe finances. Maybe my personal idea of dreams and beauty needs some re tune-ing. Or it just could be heartache from life being still. I am extremely afraid of the storm within but glad to have made a quick move of seeking out help after a brief period of being ashamed. A quote from one of my elderly aunt’s made it much better, went something like- “We came into this world with nothing, we are gonna check out from the world with nothing. So leave the fears behind. ”
The reason for me writing this blog was because of dream I had, which is making this period much easier for me to deal with. I am aware that there are many like me going through the same, dealing with anxiety, depression and other mental health problems. I am hoping that people in the same boat as me might find some comfort by reading it. Maybe even bring a smile on their faces from knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And that too a magnificent one.
The dream started with me having a meal with people I didn’t know, their faces were blurred and they seemed like they from another world. But I was aware of the strong bond I had with them, felt the bond was from eons. As I finished my meal a lady walked in. A beautiful clear human face, shining, glowing in the blur. A glow which literally lit up the room. I can’t describe the face but looked like a younger, ethereal version of my grandmother.
The lady then went on to introduce herself. She said she was an ancestor from my fathers side of relation. That’s all she said then took my hand and walked me into a room. In the room she introduced me to her 4 naughty kids, jumping around. They playfully started troubling me. The lady stopped them, then looked at my irritation and out of nowhere started to sing. It was the most beautiful voice. A never before heard voice, a voice very different from what we hear in our waking life.
The kids joined her. The harmony created in the room made me feel at ease. All I wanted to do was to join them, but was too afraid to ruin their perfect song. The lady sensed what I was feeling and encouraged me to join in. I started humming along. Most of my heartache passed away with that beautiful sound. And that’s the last that I remember of my dream.
I felt much better the next morning. Not needing a cigarette to breathe. I feel much more lighter now with a whisper still humming in my head, a whisper saying- life is now. Don’t know who the lady was, was it really some ancestor, a spiritual guide, or was it just my subconscious trying to heal me from inside. Whatever it was, I saw it as gift. A gift I thought I could share with the rest of the world. Specially with people desperately seeking comfort and help. Guess life doesn’t have to be big. But there has to be life.